I first met Esther at a women’s group and unbeknownst to any of us at the time, this was her first huge step forward in reclaiming her life for herself.
Esther is a woman in her late thirties leading the typical life – married, two young daughters, working a 9-5 job that does not inspire her.
The night I met her she shared with the group that she doesn’t know who she is. That she feels inside herself that there is something deep trying to get out and if it doesn’t get out soon she will go crazy and explode. Either that or run away and never come back. But this night she took the first important step forward to reclaiming the lost parts of herself by first reclaiming a few hours of time to spend with us in this healing women’s circle.
To find a way forward she had tried mindfulness and meditation among other things to no avail. Before she left I asked her if she was interested in astrology, and if so I’d be happy to sit and discuss her natal chart with her to see if we could help her find her way back to herself. The session we had together was astonishing for both of us. Here I will share what we can see in her chart and elements of her story that she shared with me.
Esther’s Pluto is in her first house, Libra, conjunct her ascendant. It is here that her soul brings into this lifetime the intense loss of identity (first house) impacted by the projections brought by others in past lives, and this one.
Esther’s south node is in her fourth house in Aquarius. Without knowing anything more than I had heard the night I met her, I told Esther that I felt this meant that her family, and probably her mother, had made her feel alienated and outcast in her childhood. This signature speaks of a childhood (and past lives) of underdeveloped emotional security and abandonment, emotionally or physically (4th house), that leads to a disassociation from self, knowing what you don’t want but having no idea what you do want (Aquarius).
Looking next to her south node ruler, Uranus, which is located in the second house, Scorpio, we can see what events or situations might have taken place to lead to this south node dynamic. Here we could have situations of betrayal or a sense of powerlessness (Scorpio) around the development of the inner self, inner values, safety and stability (2nd house). Since we are also looking at Uranus here, the trauma signature, the importance here holds double the significance. Trauma around the body and sexuality, with the double impact of Taurus and Scorpio signatures, is likely.
Esther then shared with me this crucial story from her childhood. Esther recalls that her mother discovered her exploring her own body, sexually and otherwise, and shamed her greatly for it, telling Esther and Esther’s father that Esther was disgusting, shameful and dirty. Esther truly feels that the natural process of discovery of herself was completely halted in that moment, and she then became fearful of herself and the world. Esther felt scared to explore anything, inside or outside of herself, and recalls clinging to her mother’s leg whenever they were out in public. In addition to this, Esther, whose mother comes from a time and place in Africa during which female genital mutilation routinely took place, has not had the courage to ask her mother whether she was subjected to this trauma herself, but Esther has always wondered whether perhaps her mother was projecting inherited beliefs about her own female sexual organs onto Esther.
Esther’s chart signatures are very present in the life she has and is experiencing. This lifetime her soul seeks to explore issues surrounding a total loss of identity by the projections of others and has chosen to do so through an experience of a loss of emotional security in childhood leading to a severe disassociation from the self. The way it has been activated in this lifetime is through the trauma of the mother’s betrayal during the normal childhood stage of sexual development and exploration.
Furthermore, Esther has as a skipped step Mars in the 7th house in Taurus. This is an obstacle that often exacerbates her ability to heal and move through these experiences. A Mars skipped step speaks of a frustration to the will, of feeling extremely lost and stuck, and in the 7th house Taurus speaks of feelings of entrapment in relationships and further isolation from the self.
These signatures are not felt just once in a lifetime, but the themes repeat and express themselves beyond childhood. Esther described that before she was married, she had enjoyed having many relationships with men, but only up to a point. “I would have fun with them and enjoy our experiences in bed, but as soon as I thought they were starting to see the real me I would leave before they could have the chance.” How perfectly this describes all these dynamics including the Mars skipped step.
Interested in why Esther is feeling such urgency about all this now, I looked at the current transits. Uranus was transiting her Mars while Pluto has been square her Pluto for awhile now. The issues of her soul are being brought into her awareness and the frustrated will is being exacerbated by the pull of the Uranus impetus to liberate.
We then discussed the opportunities for growth in this lifetime and how she might address this problem of reclaiming herself now, this very week, with actionable steps.
Overall, as shown by Esther’s Pluto Polarity Point in the 7th house Aries, Esther will and must discover her identity(Aries) if she engages in experimenting, comparing, contrasting and weighing various elements of life in relation to the other (7th house), whether that be in relationships with people or in relationship with life.
Esther’s north node in the 10th house Leo advises that in order to achieve this Pluto polarity, she will benefit from establishing herself firmly as the authority (10th house) on how best to express her own unique inner self (Leo). When Esther is the one who decides how she will shine out in the world, when she devises her own structures and strategies for being out in the world and sharing her deepest inner expression of self, she will solidify who she is through her own exploration.
Esther’s north node ruler is her Sun, also in the 7th house Taurus. This is where Esther and I could start to discuss how she could reach for the energy of her north node. How could she become her own authority on expressing her own inner creative self through 7th house Taurus dynamics? It seemed clear to us both that restoring the balance between giving and receiving (7th house) was necessary to help restore what had been lost in the 2nd house and could be restored here in Taurus. We discussed how Esther could learn to give to herself and allow others, her daughters included, to give to her, in ways that were sensual and pleasurable. Lost in the needs and expectations of others, Esther needs to establish her own needs and her expectations of self and others. In other words, to truly learn who she is and what she wants, the imbalance needs to be addressed. In my notes before we met to talk I wrote “Deciding what to give, allowing to be given to, firmed up strong inner values, having new experiences” These are the avenues back to herself.
We talked about a range of different things Esther could do, and Esther felt drawn to having her first kinesiology session, choosing something that is just for her, and deals directly with the exploration of her own body. Deep within each of us we know what we need and sometimes just need the permission to see the signs.
Finally we discussed Esther’s moon, which sits in her 5th house in Pisces. The soul represents Esther herself and the dynamics with which she finds herself living her life. It is also a signpost on the way back to herself. In its more negative expression it represents feeling lost (Pisces) in how to express and access oneself and one’s specialness (5th house). We see this repeated theme of Leo energy here. In its more positive expression it represents accessing the creative self and personal uniqueness by letting go. I asked Esther if there is something creative she is drawn to, perhaps something musical due to the Pisces aspect. Esther loves to sing and feels deeply connected to music and left our session determined to resume singing lessons for herself.
Esther asked the universe to bring her guidance on what to do to get unstuck and she’s as convinced as I am that the universe sent her to that women’s group that night. Spending this time with her was as much a revelation to me as it was to her, and together we remain in communication as she begins to find the inspiration and momentum to find her way back to herself.
Have a question for Mirella? Email her at mirella[at]integrationastrology[dot]com
